I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
