stop calling my apartment porn island.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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