don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
