We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
