I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.