The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
