Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
