Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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