Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
