he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
