the condom got lost in my hair
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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