Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The uberlube is also flammable
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
