he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
