Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
