I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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