The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
