I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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