Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
