I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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