I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
