I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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