How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.