im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer