I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
