Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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