he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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