The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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