I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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