Welp...herpes.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
