I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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