"it" just moved
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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