i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I checked into jail on foursquare
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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