Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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