just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
third nipple confirmed
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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