When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
