I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
