Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
