o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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