You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
