so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
