To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
