Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
