wanna go halves on a baby?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Randomize
