That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
