I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
