Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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