She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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