I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
