If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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