Cold hands, warm shart.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So vagazzling was a success
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
