I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
