I just cut my nipple shaving
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
