I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
