Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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