I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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