Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
